Cassandra Niki's Blog: Relationships and Love Affairs

Hi dudes and dudettes,

I know, I haven't been around for a while. 3 months to be exact. Where have I gone? Where did all the posts go? Well, I have a better excuse other than the fact that I go to school full-time, work two fucking jobs and try so hard to have a social life. The truth is, I have lost my will to write posts, if you noticed. For the past year, I've tried to keep personal shit out of my blog, because, remember back in 2008 when all I wrote about was boy stuff? It backfired at me. So I decided about a year, a year and half, or maybe around two years ago to only post about my work. But now, that has put me in a pickle too. Because as an art student, it's hard to work on personal stuff. All I do is assignments and we aren't allowed to post our works online until a significant time, when we feel our work has achieved its utmost value. So, unfortunately, that has resulted into a hiatus of blogging for me.

But today, I have decided to come back. I wondered, if I start writing more thoughts and less pictures, will people still care to read? So, this is a test post. And I'll link some urls below, for yous who still crave to see pictures anyway.

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I came upon a thought a few hours ago. About love, relationships and love affairs.?

This has probably been the longest I haven't been in a relationship. And why am I bringing it up now? Because it's fucking christmas and I can't believe that I'm spending it, alone in my apartment, baked with a box of chocolate cookies and a crappy christmas special TV show. Lol, right. After all my cynicism towards people who post instagram pics of themselves with captions like "it sucks being single", this topic is like picturing me licking my own spit.

For most people, breakups turn them into sad fuckers, non-believers of love and sudden fans of Lana Del Rey's album. Myself, I learn a sense of humour, become cynical and think of it as a window of new loves.

But now that it has been two damn years since my last real breakup (not even going to consider my last relationship as a relationship because it was a big joke), I haven't proved myself to come to find "a new love". And it's not like I didn't try. After moving to San Francisco, "the city of lovers", I came optimistic as hell. I was like, 'Imma meet my future husband here'. But then learned that it is a city for LOVERS, for people that come with lovers, not people looking for one. This city is not made to find a relationship, it is made to find love affairs.?

So, here comes a conclusion my ultimate research of understanding relationships and the universe that drives it. (BTW I'm not going to keep this post clean like an after-school-special. I'm gonna be as honest as hell with you. This is a revolution to my blog, back to 2008: uncensored just like how you like it.) So yes, in the past two years, I have been with some men, men, not man, men. Plural. I believe in love, always have, always will. BUT I don't believe in soul mates. I believe that people should work hard for love, they don't be in relationships because "they were meant to be". You have to fucking work to get what you want. A guy doesn't just appear out of nowhere and you live happily ever after.

The American dating culture really is not the culture for me, to be honest. You have to have sex with multiple people for multiple times in a certain amount of time, AND THEN decide if you want a relationship. Lol, fucked up. But I'm in that mess. Which taught me a lesson about love affairs. That's all you get, if you're 23 years old, living in America and sending out signals to men that you're looking for someone. What a mess. These men that I have been with, all turned out to be love affairs. For so many reasons.

Is it better though? I feel like I can have an amazing love affair with a cute Italian guy, an American striving musician, an Indonesian that reminds me of home, or a Norwegian designer. We can have the best time ever, no commitment, no awkward conversations about where it's going. It does feel liberating, not worrying about the future. Just a nice feeling of having someone to wake up with in the morning. But it's not a relationship, which results into this night, me, alone on Christmas, while all my friends are ice skating, drunk, with their lovers.?

These men. Men with long-distance girlfriends, men who have commitment issues, men who are in town for just a week, men who thinks I'm their future wife and freaked me out, men that buys me my favorite cocktail at the bar, men who thinks "You're like one of the dudes but it's okay if we fool around". I'll keep the plural, just so I'm not pointing fingers. These men, are my great love affairs, that are forever forgotten after a getaway to Muir Woods, after enjoying four nights of conversations over wine and underground jazz, after midnight liquor sneak-ins into hotel rooms, after trying to fly toy helicopters in the park, after wasted house-parties and hours of movies-on-demand. That's all I get.?

Is it enough? To never have anybody but have an ability to have... everybody? You get what I'm saying? Are love affairs, the 2013 equivalent of 2008's relationships? My 2008 relationship was a great one. I actually thought we would get married one day. We probably almost did. But we didn't. Could our relationship be seen as a today's love affair?

There's always one thing, that blocks you from being in a relationship. Deal breakers.?

For me, it's when you have bad taste of music, when you can't make me laugh, you don't have a passion or you hate pets.?

But even after a deal-breaker-moment occurs, we realise we aren't cut out for a relationship but our love affairs are still great. With or without sex. With or without conversation. With or without a future. And my conclusion? The easiest way to get a boyfriend in this city is to get a penis and be gay. I'm not even sure if I'm capable of falling in love anymore. Ah, my first Lana Del Rey moment.?

I don't know, I'm talking crap over here.

I miss having a significant other. But for now, I just wish I have someone great to kiss on New Year's Eve. A great New Year's Eve love affair. And then, we move on to the next great one.

Merry Christmas, have a great New Year, and happy holidays sweet dears.?

I'm back. 2008 style.

Love,?

Cass.

Source: http://blog.cassandraniki.com/2012/12/relationships-and-love-affairs.html

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